Cat-Washing Chronicles: How to Survive the Bath-Time Feline Fiasco

Posted September 1, 2023 by: Admin #Animals

Some individuals hold the misconception that cats are self-sufficient when it comes to cleanliness, relying on their licking habits to stay pristine. However, this notion is erroneous, as feline saliva lacks the cleansing power of a detergent like Tide (with or without bleach).

Similar to their canine counterparts, cats can accumulate dirt and develop various odors, ranging from the reminiscent scent of an old outhouse to breath reminiscent of your dog’s aromatic tendencies (remember, dogs are notorious for eating anything).

We are all aware that cats harbor an aversion to water, and attempting to sedate them for a bath is not a feasible option. Therefore, the most effective strategy involves a blend of subtlety and directness. Unlike easily fooled dogs enticed by tricks and treats, cats require a more cunning approach.

While cats possess intelligence, agility, and a general indifference toward your well-being, you hold the advantage of size, strength, and the ability to don protective gear.

1. Start by outfitting yourself appropriately. It is recommended to don a 4-ply rubber wet suit, a helmet, a face mask, and welder’s gloves.
2. Opt for a bathtub with a glass enclosure instead of a shower curtain, as a frantic cat can shred a curtain within seconds.
3. Prior to commencing the operation, ensure that you have Kitty Bubbles and a towel prepared within the enclosed bathtub area. Avoid the use of a blow dryer after the bath.
4. Slightly warm the water in the tub, as you will still need to locate the elusive cat. Strategically arrange everything in the shower area for easy access, even if you find yourself face-down or submerged in the tub.
5. Take the cat by surprise, carrying it as though you’re merely escorting it to its food dish. Don’t fret about the cat noticing your eccentric attire, as it pays little attention to you as it is.
6. Once inside the bathroom, move swiftly. Close the bathroom door, step into the shower, shut the sliding doors, and deposit the cat into the water in one fluid motion. While the cat is momentarily stunned, locate the Kitty Bubbles and gently apply them to the parts of the cat above the water line. Brace yourself for the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

Remember, cats lack handles and are now sporting soapy fur. The initial shock will dissipate, and the cat will become more irate than a drenched hornet.

7. If feasible, employ welder’s gloves to attempt to catch the cat as it launches itself toward the ceiling. Give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles to the exposed portions of the cat’s body.
8. While gripping the cat for about 5 seconds, rub vigorously. Don’t worry about rinsing, as the cat will rinse itself as it descends the glass enclosure into the tub.
9. Repeat the lather and rinse process approximately three times. By this point, the cat will grasp the futility of gaining traction on the glass and will seize the first available part of your anatomy for escape.
10. Proceed to dry the cat. This can be the most challenging stage. Fatigue may have set in, and the cat may have semi-permanently attached itself to your right leg. Drain the tub, and with the cat hopefully disengaged from your leg, reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.
11. If you’ve followed Step 10 correctly, the cat will be suspended from your helmet, an unsightly sight but one that facilitates wrapping the cat in a towel.
12. Envelop the cat securely in a towel before opening the tub enclosure. Open the bathroom door, place the towel-clad cat on the floor, and retreat swiftly. If feasible, remain within the tub and do not open the enclosure until the only evidence is the tattered towel.
13. After approximately two hours, it will be safe to leave the bathroom. Your cat will likely be found in a state resembling a diminutive hedgehog, undoubtedly plotting its revenge.